I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
