I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize