So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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