You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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