Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
