he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
