Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
