i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
