I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
