my vag is so smooth its legendary
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
