I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
you made out with another girl for some wings
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
