when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
