What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
