plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
