does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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