its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
