2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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