so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
