Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
