I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
