So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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