you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
