I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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