My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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