I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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