It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
