The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize