It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
