I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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