just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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