I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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