A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
