I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
