I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
