shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
