Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
