hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
