On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
