How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
