i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
