Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
