I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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