This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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