the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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