I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
