I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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