census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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