How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
