remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
