can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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