it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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