My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize