Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
