im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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