so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
