We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
