Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
